Rant of the Day: Dear Driver

To the driver who is clearly more important than my wife and I,

I am writing you today as an attempt to understand and comprehend your thought process and actions of our recent encounter. I will preface this letter by saying I know we have all made dumb decisions while driving at one time or another, some more than others, but none of us are immune to driving mistakes. I don’t expect myself or anyone to be perfect, just considerate. Now let’s reflect on how you handled the situation.

You might not remember me but you stuck in my mind for quite a while after our encounter. It’s hard to forget such a brash and confident person that is so self-assured of their position. To refresh your memory, I was in the car that was traveling at a standard clip down Main Street yesterday, about 45 miles an hour. If I recall correctly, you were driving a bright red Volkswagen Beetle. Well, not driving it, more like sitting perpendicular to the street on which we were traveling. You were pulling out of McDonalds and crossing Main St. to head the opposite direction I was going.

In your attempt to hastily exit the fast food chain parking lot, you decided to pull out but failed to realize that there were 3 other cars in the median turn lane that were blocking your escape route. Instead of deciding to wait a few seconds more in the McDonalds parking lot exit, you chose to pull out directly in front of us but had to immediately stop due to the other cars in the median that you were trying to cross over. Some might have possibly reversed back into the McDonalds exit as no one was behind you there. Others might have decided to turn the direction we were traveling and then turned around at the next possible intersection. Hell, some inventive drivers might have pulled a typical Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift scenario where you spin your tires while on the hand brake, allowing you to drift sideways in a half moon shape around the blocking cars and into the opposite lanes. In fact, if you can do that and didn’t, it would make me even more upset.

This all happened in a matter of one or two seconds so there was little time to react. Luckily, my wife, who is on constant alert for special needs drivers (the special need being driving lessons), reacted by calmly and steadily depressing her brakes as not to lock them up and we had to come to a complete stop in the middle of a busy street. The cars behind us fortunately were able to stop in time also as getting a Toyota Camry up our ass was not something I wanted to deal with either. Now the standoff…

I completely understand you were really excited that you got the New Southwest Chicken Sandwich meal (Prices and participation may vary. Check your local McDonalds for details) and you couldn’t wait one more second to get back to work and just slay that large fry, but in your ‘hangry’ haste you failed to recognize the most important driving rule; Don’t cause a wreck. Perhaps your fingers were slippery from that artery-clogging, mouth-watering grease when you were doing a quality check on the fries in your combo meal and you accidentally drove out into oncoming traffic when your hand slipped off the wheel. In that case, I say try the Grilled Chicken Ranch Wrap. It’s half the calories and double the safety!

In your defense, you were probably listening to the new Beyonce release, Lemonade, in your car and, as a woman of color in that moment, you felt empowered to throw caution to the wind and finally give those oppressive, domineering Hispanic men what they had coming for them. You have been held down long enough by those tax-paying, hard-working, inclusive people and that song was just the spark you needed to give “The Man” the middle finger. You go girl!

In any case, you made the mistake of pulling out before recognizing you had nowhere to go. As previously stated, we all make mistakes and I will not judge you solely on that action. But how do you correct this navigation nuisance? You proceed to sit idly by as an entire two lanes of cars have to come to a stop and wait for you. Then you look directly at us with a look that I can only describe as apathetic and emotionless. There was no waving an apologetic hand, giving an embarrassed or repentant silly face to us, or even putting down that second round of French fries from your hand to try to atone for your mistake.

So now we are all sitting awkwardly in our cars staring at each other in what I term an “Impasse of the Imbeciles”. My wife in her frustration, gave a quick honk from her horn at you in an attempt to get your Mountain Dew-filled, Beyonce-contaminated brain kick started again. Once again, instead of showing remorse or taking any evasive action, you lay on your own horn with your driving hand and wave your grease covered paw at us like we are the ones in the wrong. As my wife creeps through the half-car gap that is still left in our two lanes, you continue to honk and yell at us as pieces of your partially masticated fried potatoes fly from your mouth.

I ask you this. Who raised you and how did you come into adulthood with that type of entitlement? Did you never learn about common decency or thoughtfulness? If it wasn’t so annoying, it would be impressive to live a life as someone that cares so little about how others view you or how you treat another human. It’s hard to believe that anyone would want to be your friend or even associate with you if you live your whole life this way. I feel sorry for you and hope one day you will understand how people should treat each other.

But who needs friends when you have fried foods and a woman on the radio that tells you how special, unique, and powerful you are?

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