Dear disgusting bathroom person,
In light of the recent condition that our shared work bathroom was left in, I am writing you today to voice my concerns and ask a few questions of you. I will begin by apologizing for the curse words you might have heard me exclaim upon entering said restroom. That is neither a reflection of me as a person nor something I am proud of doing in hindsight. Secondly, in case you are wondering which bathroom I speak of, I am referring to the men’s bathroom on the 11th floor of our shared workplace. You know, the one where adult, well-paid, professionals go when nature calls. I stress the fact that this is not a restroom frequented by people from Wal-Mart or The Cracker Barrel; this is a secured floor where only authorized employees and prominent vendors for our company can enter.
A few days ago I entered this bathroom to evacuate my bowels at about the same time my body requires me to do so almost every day (Thanks fiber and coffee!). Upon noticing I am the only one in the bathroom, I enter my usual stall to begin my business. But what to my wondering eyes should appear? A pee-soaked toilet unaccommodating to my rear! That’s right! Not only was the un-raised toilet seat covered in your yellow misfires, but there was about 2 cubic tons of toilet paper just sitting in the bowl. Upon seeing this, my mind had to reboot and try processing what was before me again.
I ask you this, good sir:
- If you were standing to pee, why throw an entire roll of toilet paper in the toilet? Do you have some sort of blood feud with Quilted Northern and you will do anything in your power to get your vengeance? Was there a murder weapon wrapped in the paper and you were trying to get rid of the evidence? Were you bad-touched by the Charmin Bear and the sight of toilet paper throws you into a fit of uncontrollable toilet tissue wasting rage?
- If you were sitting, why the pee all over the toilet seat? Somehow after you were done pinching loaves did you just think, “This is MY toilet! I shall therefore mark this with my scent.” Did you forget to tinkle when you were sitting and as you stood up, you decided to clear the bladder mid-stand? Are you one of those weirdos that poops then stands up and pees afterwards? If it’s the latter, you, sir, are a bladder holding wizard because it is extremely hard to keep the garden hose from leaking when you’re dishing out the soft serve.
- Was this some kind of buddy system where you and someone else decided to be economical and one peed whilst the other dropped some kids off? And if there WAS a second shooter, was it from the grassy knoll? The sheer mechanics of two people in that tiny stall is simply inconceivable. I suggest next time you perform your two-man fecal feat, do so in the comfort of the handicap stall. You’ll have much more room, plus some hand rails!
If I may be so bold, I truly believe you are simply a man of lesser stature that had a simple mishandling of equipment. When I say lesser stature, I don’t refer to your standing at your job or in society; I mean you have a small dick. It’s ok to come up short in the trouser snake department, lots of guys do! There are plenty of people who don’t have enough bat to play ball. Most of them are babies, but still… I ask this of you, if your nether-regions resemble a pregnant lady’s belly button in the third trimester, why did you choose to pee in a toilet and not a urinal?!? If you don’t have enough salami to make an Italian sub, why buy a hoagie bun? Your chances of hitting the mark on an opening 8 inches wide and 24 inches away is slimmer than if you popped your little Tic-Tac out and just thrust your pelvis forward into the 2 square foot chasm that is the urinal.
I leave you with this thought; when at your home, or more realistically, your one-bedroom apartment, you can urinate on anything and everything you want. That’s the beauty of ‘Merica! When at your place of employment, where other people use the same facilities, be considerate and use your brain. No one wants to have to sit in your pickle juice or do the one-footed shoe flick to flip your butt-tissue all the way into the bowl. It makes us look like we are karate fighting Jiminy Cricket on the toilet seat. Maybe just tie some neon yarn around your mini corndog in the morning so when you do have to aim that baby carrot towards the toilet bowl, you can pretend it’s the world’s smallest marionette show. In any case, just be respectful of everyone you encounter because you’re really pissing off the one’s you’re effectively pissing on.