Movies: Take 2 – Movie Characters are way Hotter than Real Life

We all know why movie stars are movie stars and not mortgage bankers or Subway employees (Eat Fresh!) It is mainly two things: Either their strikingly good looks or their unique looks that place them in particular niches and roles. They also do pretty well with the whole portraying emotion thing but let’s be honest, most of us could be pretty good after a few lessons also.
The spectrum of actor’s looks differs greatly but there are mainly two types: Ones that we would bang and ones that we just have to paint. I call it the “Scarlett Johansson-Steve Buscemi Scale”. But two things are certain, they both took acting classes and they both get work because of their looks. Sure, Steve Buscemi only plays the goofy sidekick or creepy guy, but he gets those roles mainly because of his looks. Could you look me dead in the eyes and tell me Channing Tatum got to be famous because of his skills as an actor? No, he got his stardom because of his bright smile and an ass that also serves as a flotation device.

Director: “Thank you, Melvin from Idaho. That was a great read but your gut jiggled as you spoke and that might draw the viewer’s eye away from the overall scene. Next!”

Brad Pitt: “Hello I’m Brad. I’m really excited to be reading this script for you today. (Flashes his smile)”

Director: “You sir have acting chops! LEAD ROLE!”

Every movie that is based on true events uses actors who are at least 2 points higher than the real-life person. It’s quite simple really. If Tom Hanks is a 6, then that captain Phillips guy is really a 4. If Kate Blanchette is a 7, then that old broad who threw the huge blue diamond overboard was a 5 in her prime. There are a few exceptions where the hotness meter is far different than real life. That chick that the movie ‘Monster’ is based upon was a 1, Charlize Theron is a 9 and at the very least a 7 even after she stopped bathing for a month and started eating chimichangas. But the overall theory still applies.

You’re going to tell me in all sincerity that every single female lead role in a rom-com looks like Giselle Bundchen? The single ladies who would actually be those women in real life A) look less like Katie Perry and more like Joe Perry or B) have little in the personality department and too much in the cat sweater department. Even most of the silly sidekicks in those rom-coms are attractive. You would at least let Zooey Deschanel fellashe you, right? (Queue zipper sound)

In conclusion, Michael Fassbender as Steve Jobs was probably not the best choice. That is unless Steve Jobs had that type of cancer where it chisels your face and makes your biceps bulge out from your button-up, short-sleeve, pocket-protected shirt. But if I was portrayed in a movie, I would like to request Jake Gyllenhaal or Ryan Gosling to play my role.


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