Rant of the Day: Customer Service

Dear lady who obviously hates her customer-facing job,

As usual, I will begin by saying I am sorry that you are so observably miserable with your job. I get it, working isn’t an activity any sane person would choose to do if they had a choice. (That is unless you are a bikini model’s body oiler and even then you can only lube up and oil down Gisele Bundchen’s butt cheeks so many times before it gets boring. Right, Tom?) I also understand that your particular job isn’t going to make Esquire’s list of top 100 most enjoyable jobs of 2016 and therefore that’s why you might be caught Snap-chatting your boyfriend with a Garfield filter saying “I hate Mondays”. And NOW you’ve been told that apparently you can’t even get drunk on the job anymore. What the hell country is this, North Korea!?! I will go on the record as saying that I am a firm proponent of workplace intoxication of all sorts. Therefore, although I may disagree with your choice to light up a doob at your cash register at Target, I will defend to my death your right to smoke it! But that’s a whole other rant….

Having said that, I am also aware you chose this job and are more than likely getting paid for said services. Although you might not feel you are being paid enough, you also chose to sign that W-9. (Is it a W-9, W-2, WWII, or something?) Even if you’re currently in the process of looking for another job, it doesn’t give you the right to treat me or anyone else like they are an inconvenience to your day. All I did was walk up to your line at Panera, or Lowes, or Wal-Mart (nice choice) and smiled, yet you look at me with an expression as if I just flicked a booger on you or something. First of all, “Hello!” Secondly, I tastefully and tactfully wipe my boogers under counters and ledges; I don’t flick them like a weirdo, thank you. It always gets me to wonder, “Why is this person so unhappy right now?”  I have a few ideas as to why:

  1. You just found out that Cheryl in inventory just started dating that cute cashier on register 4 before you had a chance to flirt with him. In this case, I’m sorry that you’re not as slutty as Cheryl and just didn’t get a chance to eat your breakfast banana sensually in front of him. Cliff in electronics is single though, and his acne has really cleared up (thanks Proactiv!), so why don’t you work on that piece of pock-marked ass.
  2. You’re not actually upset or unhappy at all. Instead, you are just concentrating really hard on keeping that fart in. Shouldn’t have had Granola for a snack. In this case, let it out, sista, because it’s only going to go back up into your tummy and make you bloated and miserable for hours. Regardless of what my wife Jen says, everybody farts, so let loose with your flatulent freedom and release that rectal resonance!
  3. You didn’t get that promotion for which you had interviewed. Your manager, Susan, promised you that promotion if you showed some initiative and improvement. Instead they gave it to Hank who barely gets anyone to make it a combo for .99 cents more. That guy does midland work at best and he calls in every other week, so how in the hell did he get that position!? I suggest that you stop farting so much….

Little do you know, but Frank in appliances just had his wife serve him divorce papers, had to put his dog down, and got T-boned by a Buick last week. Do you see him walking around like his..…. dog died? No, instead, Frank is the top sales person four months running and does it with a smile. That’s because Frank has a little something called perseverance and grit. He leaves his suicidally depressing troubles at the door the second he puts on that blue smock and plastic nametag.

There are plenty of jobs that don’t require you to deal with customers. When I was working in retail and food service, I used to dream about the day I could walk into a factory, throw my headphones on, and just task all day. Never having to fake smile, get yelled at by a fat f**k, or answer the same question again:

Customer: “Oh, Giovanni! Is that Italian?”  

Me: “Well the name is technically Italian but I’m part Mexican, Spanish, French, English, Irish, German, Native American, and there’s rumor someone slept with a Jew.” (I would actually usually just say “Yeah….. yeah” defeated every time)

I can tell from your facial expression and the way you didn’t say “Hello” that you might not want to have a job where you have to talk to customers ever again either. Therefore, here’s a short list of jobs where you never have to work in the service industry:

Construction worker: The closest to a customer you get is the occasional A-hole driving by saying, “Get to work!” The downside is that you don’t exactly look like a manual labor type person. The closest you get to shoveling anything is a plate of pasta into your gullet.

Porn Star: There are no rude customers yelling at you or dumb questions being asked. You don’t even have to wear a uniform…… or anything for that matter! The downside is that there WILL be a bit of servicing you still have to do.

Court Stenographer: No customers, no revenue goals to hit, and no counting down your drawer at the end of your shift. You also get to sit all day and eavesdrop on other peoples’ conversations. Dream job right? The only downside is that you have to hear about the gruesome double-murder and record intricate details of that suicide where the guy’s wife divorced him, his dog died, and he was in a car…… OH NO Frank!……

I am no employment expert and I didn’t make the best career decisions earlier in my life. But one thing I am proud to say is that I always did my job as enthusiastically and made it a focus to act happy and pleasant when working. There are plenty of people out there that might not love their service jobs but do it with a smile every day. Take a few notes from those people and Frank and leave your problems at the motion sensored sliding door.

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