My favorite part of those classic action movies is when the hero has just one clip left and he takes out 17 dudes with a spray of bullets as he’s sprinting and doing shoulder rolls through an open lawn. All the while, the drug lord is standing in his white linen suit (baller) shouting at his men to “Kill him!”. Let’s do the math here: 25 bad guys, times 30 rounds per gun, divided by number of targets the size of Dolf Lundgren, equals hero getting an arm flesh wound. Conversely, 1 good guy, times one handgun with half a magazine, divided by number of bad guys, equals 24 dead cartel members and a severely wounded drug lord who is still alive enough to say some sassy line to our hero before said drug lord slowly passes away.
The craziest thing about movie bullets is that a bullet that hits a bad guy or ‘Ensign number 4’ in a Star Trek episode, has a brutally different impact on them versus if it hits Arnold Schwarzenegger. If a random bad guy takes a bullet to the gut, he dies immediately, as if someone just dropped a cinderblock on his head. Same said bullet taken by our hero only results in him having to rip his shirt off and holding it over his ripped abs.
Arnold: “Phheeew! Good thing I did those 2000 crunches before this. That bullet just bounced right off of these puppies…”
Movie hero anatomy differs greatly from everyone-else anatomy. Apparently there’s an elective surgery where they can move all of your vital organs and arteries to just the area from your nose to nips. Therefore, taking a bullet to the thigh does not result in your femoral artery exploding and you bleeding out as you cry/sing “Amazing Grace” but instead it just makes you limp a bit as you run after the guy who stole your daughter. If I’m ever shot anywhere in my body, I am going down faster than Kim Kardashian on a mixed-race professional athlete. Somehow, no matter where he is shot, our hero always manages to do super-human tasks while his arm should be shattered in multiple places from a hollow point.
Lastly, can somebody teach these bad guys how to aim? It’s been joked about forever that no bad guy can hit the broadside of a barn but at some point it is beginning to become ingrained in our brains that all bad guys are terrible aim. God forbid, your daughter is taken by Malaysian terrorists and you have to strap up and go get her. The bad guys start blasting away with their automatic rifles at you and instead of going for cover you say to yourself:
“It’s cool. I’ve seen the movies. These guys can’t hit sh…. OW! It’s still ok. He only got me in the thigh. Arnold would just tie his shirt around…… OH MY GOSH! There’s so much blood!!! (Begins to weep) Amaaaazing Grace, how sweeeet the sound…..”
I want to attend a bad guy weapons training seminar if only to see how they get so terrible:
Instructor: Hello and welcome to day 3 of the International Bad Guy Overcoming Overwhelming Disadvantages Seminar, or as we call it The I.B GOOD Seminar. I’m your trainer, Felix. Today we are going to go over some weapons firing and attack techniques. Can I get a volunteer to show me how they would attack and fire upon a good guy? (Miscellaneous ethnic race man raised hand) Yes, thank you, Jamil Amanamniminijhad. Come on up and start when you’re ready!”
(Jamil proceeds to stealthily creep up from behind the “Good Guy” dummy while raising his rifle to eye level. He fires three quick bursts to the head and torso of the dummy, hitting almost every vital organ.)
Instructor: Stop! Stop! Can anyone tell me what Jamil did wrong here? (Another unidentifiably ethnic race man raises his hand) Yes, Moo Goo Gai Pan?
Moo Goo: He was far too quiet and actually used his aim thingy on the front of his gun.
Instructor: Very Good! Let me teach you all a few techniques for attacking a lone good guy when you have number superiority: First, no matter which way he is facing, make as much noise as possible. It is recommended that you scream at the top of your lungs and flail your arms about as you run towards him. This alerts him to the danger and gives him a wider target to hit.
Secondly, when you do fire, hold your rifle at belly height. This will give you the smallest of margins to hit him. It is recommended that you spray your bullets from side to side as if you were a garden sprinkler. Sure, you may accidentally hit another of your comrades, but there are plenty of you and it’s worth the risk.
Next, due to your superiority in number, make sure to try to attack him one at a time. This way he has a better chance of taking you out one-by-one. If the situation forces you into firing simultaneously with the rest of your group, follow these two rules. 1) Only fire from one direction, don’t attack from multiple angles. This will allow the good guy to take cover behind something until you reload. 2) When you do reload, make sure to have trouble with chambering your bullets as if you have a jam. This allows the good guy to get closer and/or get away.
Next, try to aim your bullets at random objects just in front and to the side of your target. That way the bullets make cool (pew pew) noises and sparks but shows the good guy you were really close to getting him.
Finally, if you do, by some act of God, hit your target, make sure it is only in the extremities and only grazes that make him look cool and tough. I recommend either shoulder or bicep hits because after he’s done killing all of you, he can walk back out of the jungle holding his hand over the wound like a badass. Any questions?