Rant of the Day: Slow Walkers

Dear people walking slowly in front of me,
​In the spirit of remaining inclusive and PC, I am going to assume you and your friend are afflicted with some sort of disability that causes you to walk slower than an average person. And when I say slower than an average person I mean the same speed as a three-legged turtle with Parkinson’s. I feel empathy for you and your walking partner in the fact that this disability has surely caused you to have to plan out your day around to where you might have to saunter. There are many people I know that have mobility issues and carry on perfectly happy and effective lives. So don’t give up, Tiger, keep on walking, you can do it!
​I am writing you today because I would like to get your insight as to why you and your walking comrade believe it is acceptable to take up the entire sidewalk/path/walkway. Keep in mind, once again, I am not making any judgments or unfair assumptions, just observations. The view from here, behind your bulging and bulbous hind-quarters, shows no sign that your gait causes any pain or discomfort to you. Contrarily, it almost seemed that your pace picked up when you dropped your McDonald’s Monopoly tickets and they were in danger of blowing away. It seemed like in that moment of emergency, you quickly changed from Larry Flint to Larry Bird. Can’t lose that Boardwalk piece or that free small fry, we’re in a recession you know! What’s more is that I observed your meandering colleague taking advantage of full neck mobility when he turned his head to regard me shooting death stares at the back of your head behind you two and continued to ignore the fact that I might want to get around you.

​I am not saying I am an important person and deserve special treatment or even someone who would openly say anything to your face about the inconvenience. I am just trying to understand where you and your Grimace-sized friend are coming from. And I don’t mean “coming from” the afore-mentioned McDonalds. In an attempt to understand the origins of your apathetic attempt at lethargic locomotion I have listed the following possible explanations to your random rude ranging:

1) I noticed your faded blue Jordache jeans were falling off your smartcar-sized buttocks and thought to myself, “Maybe he has to walk so slowly because he doesn’t want to show the world his Hamburglar and two McNuggets.” We’ve all been there, my friend. You’re walking along and your pannus (commonly known as a FUPA or ‘Gunt’) is just too big to allow your pants to stay up.

2) You recently returned from a vacation to a Native American reserve and you’re still tripping on that peyote they let you sample. Perhaps in your mind, you are traveling at the speed of a whitetail and the world is zipping past you as the white man’s liquid stone buildings and metal wagons fly by. In that case I suggest you share.

3) You and your friend are in training for the U.S. Olympic slow-walking team and you’re training before work. Putting in the hard hours. That gold medal isn’t going to win itself!

4) Perhaps you’re an inconsiderate, lazy, unmotivated person who should put down the Shamrock shake and pick up a protein shake.

I simply ask that you consider others around you before you go on a slow, sidewalk-wide shuffle while people are trying to get to work and other important places. While being considerate of others is far, far away from your mind while you munch on your hash browns and play Mobile Strike on your iPhone, it could be the smallest consideration like that that could influence someone else and be the beginning of a chain reaction that could get people thinking how there is still hope for kindness in the world.

That guy that feels better now that he got that off his chest.   


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