Dear Pokémon Go user,
Hi there little guy! Aren’t you cute with your propeller beanie, lollipop, and iPad, running around the town looking for imaginary creatures! (Queue baby cooing noises “Eeewjew Boo Boo Doo Doo!) What’s that?… You’re a grown adult? Oh my! I am so sorry. I just assumed you were a small child based on the activity. That’s embarrassing.
First off, shame on society for allowing this kind of thing to become….. a thing. Society and culture should have prevented this from happening but now we have grown-ass people running all over the place staring down at their electronic devices like the movie ‘Aliens’ when they had to rely on the movement tracker radar to spot the alien threats.
Michael Biehn- “We’ve got Picachu’s all around within 10 yards! They’re right on top of us!”
Bill Paxton- “Game over man! Game over!”
Now that I’ve lost all but 3 of you with that timely reference, let’s get back to shaming. 30 years ago this could have never become popular. Not just because of technology but because Pokémon Go is supposed to be for a very specific subset of our population; extremely young children and adults who eat hotdogs with macaroni…. and their boogers, if you catch my drift. Instead, we have adults with actual careers walking around looking for imaginary creatures with names that seem like the booger eaters named them! Charizard. Clever! How did you come up with that one? Jiggly Puff. How in the world did you ever think of that moniker, Charles Darwin?
The names of these imaginary Pocket Monsters (Poke…Mon. Get it???) are the least of my worries. (Although I would really like one to be named Trump-tard and it just chugs Mountain Dew as its power) What really gets me is how everyone that is playing looks like they are on the wrong side of a zombie apocalypse. My wife Jen and I were driving through town the other day and the streets were FILLED with people. I initially thought to myself, “Oh wow! There must be a festival in town!” It was then that I realized every single one of the individuals meandering the sidewalks was staring down at their phones and mobile devices. They weren’t watching where they were going, crossing the streets at random. There was no talking from any of them, no interaction of any kind. Whole families were doing this together. It was as if I had just driven into a scene from ‘The Walking Dead’. I instinctually reached for my crossbow in the back seat as Jen threw on her body armor, but we thought better of it after a moment. Instead, I decided just to get the hell out of there before I accidentally ran over someone. As I took my first turn out of town, I had to slam on my brakes as the ’01 Corolla in front of me was driving no faster than 10 MPH. We peered inside and saw 4 adults all staring at their phones as they drove through town. Even the driver was looking down at their screen. Jen shouted, “They’re adapting! They’re learning how to drive!” as we sped away down an alley.
I know what you stanch defenders of the game will say, “Hey at least it gets the family together and we get exercise!” You know what else does that and has been doing that for years? Everything else you can do as a family! Go to a park and play, go to Sky-Zone, get the kids into a sport, play the sport with them, go to a lake, go fishing. Here’s a crazy thought; go to a nature trail and try to spot ACTUAL creatures in the woods! But that all would take effort so……
If you’re a grown person doing this without kids, just remove your reproductive organs now. I do not want you to produce any more screen-staring, drooling, un-socialized, weirdo offspring. As an adult there should be a million other things to do besides looking for made-up creatures that some awkward Japanese dork created 20 years ago. If you have enough time to roam aimlessly around and stare at a 5 inch screen for hours a day, you are probably not an actual adult. Try doing something that improves your life like working out (Real working out), reading a book, watching an informative TV show, taking a cooking class, or any number of other things that are actually beneficial to your mind and/or body. Staring at a phone and hoping to lure a digital equivalent of the Loch Ness Monster from its hiding should be very low on your priority list.
In summation, I don’t just blame you as a user of said idiotic app. I blame society for allowing these trends to become popular in the first place. Our society needs to identify when something is ridiculous and shame those who attempt to start these trends far before it takes over our culture.