Movies: Take 4 – The Characters Always Know What to Say

If the character is supposed to be the heartthrob, hero, or comic relief, then they always automatically know what to say to make you swoon, cheer, or laugh. To have the composure and quick wit to nail it like they do in the movies is pretty much impossible. Some people do think quickly and humorously but to do it on the scale that movie characters do is not nearly possible.
Every chick flick, the guy says the perfect thing to the girl at just the right moment. It sets up this unfair expectation on normal guys to say the perfect thing all the time. (Apparently saying “your face is cool” is not as sexy as it is in when I say it in my head) Let’s examine a romantic movie scene:
Rachael McAdams: “No one could ever love a nerdy, quirky, average girl like me. I should just quit love altogether.”
Brad Pitt: “No, Babe. What you should quit is TALKING and kiss me.” (Grabs arms roughly and pulls her in for a passionate kiss as violin music plays in background)
Now let’s try that in real life using a girl based on our two-point deduction scale. The role of Rachael McAdams will be played by your 8th grade teacher. You know the one who was semi attractive but could lose as many pounds as she could cats? The part of Brad Pitt will be played by me (of course):
Mrs. Smith: “No one could ever love a dorky, frumpy, average girl like me. I should just quit love altogether.”
Gio: “Whaaaaat? That’s crazy…. You’re not frumpy; I like your plaid, ankle-length skirt and thick rimmed glasses, Bro-Montana. You’re not average, you’re at least a 6…The thing that you should QUIT is talking like that. See? Because you said ‘quit love’ a second ago and now I’m using it as… like a play on words and stuff… (I reach for her fleshy, pendulous arm meat to grab her roughly and kiss her. Instead, I catch my left hand on my oversized jacket pocket, accidentally punching her in the boob. She yells ‘OW!’ as I try to kiss her and we hit teeth, chipping mine.) Ssshhorry about that! (my teeth now whistle) Ssshhoulda not worn thissshh dang thing, It’ssshh like 80 out here. (Chrysler 300M drives by pounding rap music in the background)
Every action movie, the hero says some one-liner just as he kills the main villain. It almost makes you question if he was cooking that one up during the entire adventure. I wonder, on his non-adventure days is he just writing stuff out on a notepad like Eminem in ‘8 Mile’? The movie hero probably has a one-liner for every way he could kill a man.
Brad Pitt: “Let’s see here:
Knife kill, I’ll say ‘Let’s CUT to the chase’ and I’ll slash.
Gun kill, I’ll say ‘Time to end this with a BANG’ and I’ll fire.
Choke out, I’ll say ‘Time to put a GAG order on you’ and I’ll squeeze.”

To have the awareness to blurt out the wittiest, badass-iest line to the guy you just destroyed is beyond my comprehension. If I were the hero, I’d do everything right EXCEPT the one liner.
(Bad guy swings wildly with his knife, narrowly missing our hero. Gio then grabs said knife hand and puts bad guy into an arm lock using his legs as leverage to hold bad guy’s body away from his arm, a la Ronda Rousey.)
Gio: (Most badass voice he can muster) “I just farted!…….. No wait…. Sorry. I meant to say something to do with breaking your arm. Let’s see…. (Badass voice) Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar!….. DAMNIT! Hang on, I got this….. (Badass voice) Time to snap, crackle, and pop!….. Hold on….
Bad Guy: “Dude, open a window. That fart smells!”
Every movie where there’s a comic relief, the funny person says the funny line just before the scene ends so that the audience doesn’t drown out the rest of the dialogue with laughter. You have to be quick on your toes to not only get the joke to be hilarious but also to get it all out before the scene ends and cuts your joke off. My humor delivery is far too slow to get all the way out bef…… (See what I did there?)
How annoying is it when you’re at a party or with a group of friends and you say the funniest thing you’ll probably ever think of and it was either drown out by your douchey friend’s voice or some drunk girl’s screechy voice saying something about her brother’s dog. SHUT UP AND HEAR MY AWESOME JOKE, B!**#! Now the timing is all off and you’ll never have that moment again.

Well, that never happens in movies.
Now the world will never know how funny my Helen Keller with cancer joke would’ve been because we had to hear about Becca’s brother’s Shar-Pei and how wrinkly his face is. Your loss, world.

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