Rant of the Day: Men & Sandals

To the grown man wearing sandals/flip flops, 

As you know from my previous rants, I am not one to judge……. Ok I’m kidding, I am totally judgey, but in most cases rightfully so. It’s a fact that many of you guys are these offenders but I cannot for the life of me understand why. (Disclaimer: culturally there are many people that wear sandals and it has been done for ever. In some areas of the world it is all they wear and it is usually based on climate or access to Nikes. I am not talking to you so no worries)

Now back to you, wearing those Birkenstocks and jeans like you’re headed to a Phish concert. You are a grown-ass man and you’re wearing footwear meant for only a specific set of activities and lifestyles. If you are not at a pool, beach, or a Jesuit Priest, please don’t wear sandals casually. People may not say anything to you directly, but they are thinking to themselves, “Wow, poor guy just gave up on life.” Here are a few reasons why I am so adamant about this:

1) It is a sign of laziness. It is the footwear version of abbreviating words. C wut im sayin? If putting on shoes saps the energy out of you, maybe you should get more Vitamin B in your diet. Did you just wake up this morning and think to yourself, “Man, those 7 seconds it takes to slip into some sneakers really takes it out on me. Sandals it is!” Would you ever walk into a job interview wearing sandals? I certainly hope not. And that’s not because the potential boss is some kind of flip-flop-burning Nazi. It is because the first sign of a good employee, even before the requisite to sign your name, is one’s ability to properly equip their feet.

2) Maybe it is because you just hate socks. If socks are just too restrictive for you, perhaps you should get checked for Asperger’s because that’s just way too specific a complaint. It is the equivalent of a foot hug and I could see how that is a trigger for such a condition. Now if it is because you don’t have any clean socks, please see reason #1. Do your laundry people!

3) It is a sign you don’t ever want a relationship. If you are single and wearing sandals/flip-flops, just accept the fact that you will always be lonely until you change your lifestyle. You never see any chick being like, “Oooo Cha Cha! Check out Billabong sandal guy at the food court over there! I’m gonna get me a piece of that open-toed, sweat-short wearing piece of ass!” Hold off on the sandals until after you are engaged at least. Lock that girl (or guy) down, and then let yourself go. As The Queen Bey says, “If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it……. Then gain 20 pounds and show them your real side.”

4) Your feet are gross. Feet are smelly, callused, bacteria-covered appendages that belong on the ground. At some point in the day, you’re going to kick those thongs off and throw your feet on the table, arm rest, or other said piece of furniture that my food, hand, or face will touch moments later. And I know you’re not doing it just because you’re a terrible person; it’s also because your footwear is so damn easy to remove! I know I would be the same way. If society allowed me to reach down my pants in public, I would do it all the time, because I love holding my ‘worry stones’. But I don’t (usually) because I am aware that I would be rubbing my scrotal succulence all over the place.

Here are some scenarios where I find that wearing sandals might be detrimental to you and yours:

1) Godzilla has risen from the depths of the earth and is on a rampage. There’s no fighting a 20 story tall beast that shoots fire, all you can do is run! You know what footwear is best for evading the devastating destruction of the radioactive reptile? Not sandals. As buildings collapse all around you, showering debris and broken glass everywhere, your flip-flops keep flying off your feet. Good luck escaping the carnage that is Godzilla with jagged pebbles poking your heels. Those little rocks hurt!

2) You and your significant other are walking downtown on vacation, looking for that “Cute Mexican restaurant we passed on our drive in.” You are both completely lost and the neighborhood does not look welcoming. A couple crack-heads pop out of an alleyway with ill intentions. Sure, they’re crack-heads and weigh 120 lbs. between the two of them but crack-heads have the strength of 5 men when they’re Jonesing for a fix. You bravely throw your significant other behind you and square off to defend yourselves. It’s then that you remembered you decided to wear sandals. No one can fight successfully whilst wearing sandals. It’s just a fact. You never saw Oscar De la Hoya sporting Old Navy thongs when he was kicking ass. Good luck with that police report, you two!

3) You’re visiting the ancient ruins of the Pyramids of the Sun and Moon in Mexico. What a beautiful excavation! The size and splendor of the ancient architecture leave you in awe. As you ascend to the peak of the Pyramid of the Sun, your foot slips out of your Adidas sandal and you go tumbling down the 248 exquisitely crafted steps. As the medical personnel carry your broken body out of the site, you tilt your fractured head to regard the medic’s smartly tied sneakers. You mainly notice how easily he handles the rugged terrain as he carries you over the jagged obsidian-covered ground.

4) You are watching the new Avenger’s movie at your local Cineplex and throw caution to the wind as you kick off your sandals and prop them up on the arm rest in front of you. You deserve this brief bi-pedal break because you’ve had a hard day of walking in sandals. It is then that you notice a Thor-sized man stand up from the seat you had just planted your smelly, dirty feet and he looks pissed! Then you notice that your toes are touching his Slurpee straw. The Hulk of a man proceeds to beat you senseless as no one steps in to help you, not even your non-existent girlfriend. Shouldn’t have worn sandals….

In almost every case, sandals are not the way to go. If and when you do wear sandals, please at the very least be cognizant of where you place your bare, bacterialized, bunion-covered feet, because I would hate to vicariously eat your foot fungus after I drop my sandwich on the same table your disgusting feet have been placed upon.

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