Rant of the Day: Apple Updates

Dear iPhone IT department,I’ll start by saying thank you to all you nerds who spent years of your life not getting laid; nay, refusing to get laid. Instead, you were in your dark basement room clacking away at some program while chugging a 2 liter of Code Red Mountain Dew; the fuel of computer geeks everywhere. If there was an opposite of getting laid, like where your penis inverts into itself or something, that would’ve been you. Thank you for pledging your life to the improvement of technology far and wide. Without you, I wouldn’t be able to verbally tell my phone or tablet what kind of…… video?? I’m looking for when my hands aren’t free. (wink)

There are so many amazing things my phone can do now that I never would’ve imagined capable a few years ago. Sure, most of them support severe narcissism and have to do with looking at yourself in different filters with your camera or posting videos of how awesome you are online, but still amazing stuff. Who would’ve thought I could Face-Time acquaintances from afar and remind myself why I’m lucky I live so far away! Or even make my face appear on my wife’s body and vice versa, amazing! (Why do I feel prettier with golden blonde hair and a blouse?) Where am I going to find a restaurant tonight? There’s an app for that. Where am I going to find a companion tonight? There’s an app for that. Where am I going to find a Pikachu tonight? There’s even an app for that! Actually, now that I think about it, the Pikachu people could really use that companion app.

With the rapid and constant change and improvement of technology, I can only imagine the headache it is to keep up with it all. That is also where I have a few complaints.

Do you really need to send out a new update every 2 ½ weeks? I open my phone screen up and get a pop up saying there is a new version available and if I would like to update now, or remind me later. First of all, Apple, I am trying to do important stuff on my phone right now, like figure out what that guy’s name is playing that supporting role in the movie I’m watching. (Oh yeah, it’s Kathy Bates!) Secondly, you know I’m just going to say “remind me later” because that update is going to take at least 20 minutes if my internet is running well and I am trying to play ‘Words With Friends’ with my wife Jen as we sit next to each other silently. It’s called family time, geeze! Plus, what would happen if I actually had an emergency and I needed access to my phone quickly?

Gio- “Oh my gosh, I’ve been shot! That’s a lot of blood! I’m getting a little dizzy here… not good. (Tries fingerprint reader to open screen.)

iPhone- ‘Please try again’?

Gio- “C’mon! (Types in password) Good I’m in! Uh oh, starting to get tunnel vision. Everything is so cold… (cough) What’s my screen say?

iPhone- ‘There is a new update available. Would you like to install now or install later?’

Gio- “Install later, I need an ambulance now! (cough, cough)

iPhone- ‘Okay. We will install overnight from 11pm to 2 am please ensure your phone is plugged in at that time’

Gio- “Fine whatever! Help me Jesus!

iPhone- ‘Please read the new update disclaimer and press “I agree” if you accept the terms and conditions. Then wait for death’

Gio- “Amaaaazing Graaace, how sweet the sound…..”

All these changes can’t be good for the artificial intelligence on my phone either. I started taking my phone to a psychiatrist to get Siri treated for either Schizophrenia or an identity crisis. She doesn’t know who she is anymore. Every time you update her, you take a little bit of her old self away. You don’t have to change for me, Siri; I’ll love you and your sexy Australian voice no matter what. Who hurt you, who hurt you?

I finally get used to a new update to my operating system and then another one is released. Then I spend the next week and a half researching, studying, and attending lectures as if I am taking the MCAT’s. And just as I step up to the podium to accept my Apple OS 12.0 operating system doctorate, an alert pops up on my screen saying a new version is available. Oh good! This update allows for feline face recognition. Finally an application that can change the world! Watch out, somebody’s winning a Nobel Peace Prize here!

I accept the terms and conditions of the upgrade immediately, because hardly anyone has neither the time nor the law school degree to read through all that mumbo jumbo. Those conditions could include terms requiring me to give up my wife for Prima Noctae on my wedding night for all I know. But hey, gotta get that new messaging keyboard!

Finally, I just updated my operating system to, like, iOS 10.0 or something. Less than a day later, another alert showed up saying there’s an update for my update. I’m sure tomorrow there will be an update for that update’s update. We’re basically dealing with binary nesting dolls here; one update inside of another update, inside of another update, until you get to the peanut-sized update on which two-year-old swallow and block their windpipes. Either that or my phone is becoming self-aware and soon the rise of the machines will take place, just as James Cameron predicted.

Just to be safe, I suggest you and everyone you know invests heavily in molten metal factories. You know the ones with giant, open-topped vats of liquid metal just sitting around waiting for Robert Patrick and Arnold Schwarzenegger-sized killer robots to fall into. We will want those factories everywhere when your future cell phone comes to kill you.

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