Rant of the Day: Warning College Students Before Teaching (Safe Zones)

To the college students that need safe spaces,
This country is facing a crisis and I only see this issue getting worse. In fact, sometimes I wonder if I should even bring it up because I know it is going to piss a lot of people off. I, of course, am talking about safe zones for college students. Safe zones have been created to protect the fragile Faberge Egg that is a college student’s psyche from harsh words and different ideas. This is a bit of a controversial topic here so I will try to be tactful…… What are you pussies doing!?! The fact that you, as a college student, need these safe spaces/zones is utterly mind boggling. You know what college is for? It’s not to be coddled, get your butt wiped, and soothed to sleep. It’s about experiencing the real world for the first time. You’re here to learn, experience, and explore! (And if you’re a hot chick, maybe let my friends and I watch you make out with another girl……. Would a scientist establish a theory without experimenting? I think not, and neither should you.)

I liken attending college to going on a vacation to somewhere you’ve never been. Would you pay hundreds of dollars to go to Paris or Amsterdam, then just hang out in the hotel room the entire time just because the people sound like they are on a Quaalude with a bit of a speech impediment? Or because the signage has naked ladies advertising Dove soap? No, because you paid to experience the trip and learn about things foreign to you. Either that or you really wanted to try pot and hookers at the same time and Nevada is separated from Colorado by those weirdoes in Utah.

Don’t get me wrong; in high school I was sheltered and pampered by my mom until I also was a soft, doughy, sensitive shell of a young man. But guess what I, and many like me, did back then? We moved on and experienced university as it should be. We were rejected by our crushes, made fun of in front of groups, and possibly even locked out of our house wearing nothing but some women’s underwear a few times. (Long story, but fool me thrice….) I had to face adversity, ignorance, and failure head-on and didn’t have an emotional bomb shelter in which to run every time somebody called me a spick, wetback, or terrorist. (And there were many times. Maybe I shouldn’t have worn that sombrero every day and grown my beard out) Creating a daycare for adults with a full mental capacity is just beyond my understanding. If the truths presented to you here are too hard to handle, do what the generations before you did when they didn’t want to face the harsh realities of the world; get high or drunk.

Speaking of drinking, a large aspect of college is supposed to be about binge drinking and making bad decisions… Oh yeah, and learning. I myself never really partook heavily in college but I was also not in the cool crowd. I guess that’s the price you pay for being hip. Do you think they make 30-pack Natural Light for actual adults? No, it’s for college kids looking to get dangerously drunk and do things that they would otherwise not have the balls to do. Sure, a few co-eds might pass away from falling off the University Library roof or accidentally impaling themselves on a whiffle ball bat but I just call that thinning the heard. Those people are basically the intoxicatedly lame wildebeest who got caught by the prowling lion that is bad decisions in the Serengeti also known as campus. But whatever losses are incurred by the heard, only make it stronger as a group. You don’t want those idiots procreating.

Classmate #1- “Did you hear about Frankie? He chugged a bottle of Jack then got his head stuck in a bowling ball return and died.”

Classmate #2- “What an idiot…But hey, maybe we’ll get an A on our group project now! Hi five!”

Now, for those of you who haven’t run to a safe zone after reading that joke, let’s continue.

As much as university is about scholastics, it is also about life experiences and finding yourself. And no, masturbating in your dorm room is technically not finding yourself, you should’ve found that years ago. You cannot discover new things if you are not open to them. The only safe zone that should be on a college campus is the bathroom you share with your suite-mate. And sometimes that’s not even very safe. (If you don’t want me to walk in on you pooping naked, lock the door, Steve!)

The final straw in this two-step-of-the-tards is this new concept of trigger warnings. The idea is basically everyone has to warn everyone else that what they are about to see or hear could trigger a reaction they don’t desire. Are you kidding? We’re dealing with adult-aged people here, not autistic kids. If hearing someone else’s political view or personal beliefs makes you ball up in a corner and start rocking back and forth you should seriously get checked to see where you are on the spectrum. Could you imagine a person from Ukraine or Syria observing this behavior? The following was a conversation I recorded between a college girl, Kymberlee, and a Syrian refugee.

Kym- “I cannot believe I was not warned in class about the discussion we had today! Who wants to talk about war crimes anyway? They are, like, supposed to give us notice about that!”

Riham- “So government warns you before they take your home, kill family, and beat you with sticks?”

Kym- “No, nothing like that. The professor showed pictures of injured people and stuff, it was gross! It made me freak out. They have to let us know before they show that.”

Riham- “So professor must notify before he injures you, steals possessions, and beats you with sticks?”

Kym- “Uh… Nobody gets physically hurt, but I am emotionally damaged now. Somebody said the word S**t in front of me. It just triggered me.”

Riham- “So when does government kill everyone and beat you with sticks for being woman?”

Kym- “Wha….? We don’t get hit. Nobody dies. I just get really stressed with these subjects!”

Riham- “I understand. When men burst in and shot me 4 times, I too was, how you say, stressed.”

You only really get 4 years to do whatever you want before the real world starts. Don’t spend it hiding. Spend it seeking. Seek knowledge, seek experience, seek getting laid by people whose names you never learned, but most importantly, seek what makes you uncomfortable. Because life after college isn’t going to warn you before they kick you in the nuts or punch you in the boob. Real life is just going to do it. Much like wearing a cup or padding that bra, when life does take a swing at your meat clackers or sweater monsters, those experiences will help protect you from the shock of the blow.

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