Rant of the Day: News Interviews

To the news person interviewing the random person live on the scene,
I must say, I respect the job that you do but in no way envy it. Sure, you may be paid more than me, be recognized in public (Hey news guy!), and use that minor fame to catch as much tail as possible using pick-up lines like, “Hello ladies. I’m Bryce Copperman, QUIF News Channel 5. Anybody want to go to my place and help polish my local Emmy?” But you also have to deal with that unkempt, socially inept, head-case that witnessed the fire on the 1800th block of Washington Ave. last night. How do you find these people? If I had to guess, I would say at least 200 people saw the events of that fire but somehow you find Carl Winslow’s special needs twin and decide to ask him about it.
I’m pretty sure that was the same guy I saw yesterday on the side of the road yelling and gesturing wildly at traffic as if each car that drove by had personally insulted his mother. You know that guy, the one with a wild look in his eyes that says, “I have a pet squirrel!” and a gum-filled mouth that says, “Gingivitis is the number one cause of tooth decay!” Do you really want to get that guy’s side of any story? What do you really expect him to do on live TV? I bet it would never be dropping the N-Bomb then pulling some testicle meat out of his zipper, so go ahead and interview him!
News Guy- “Hello. This is Bryce Copperman on the scene of a horrific fire that has engulfed an entire block of houses. I have a witness to the scene here to describe what he saw. Tell me, what did you see here tonight?”
Squirrel-Man Pete- “Uhh yeah, thanks David! Oh man, it was terr-ble. There was genies flyin’ around casting fire curses all over the place. I said ‘You ain’t gonna get me, Genies!’ then I ran, Lord I ran, to the nearest 7-11 and met up with my weed guy, Larry. He got that good, good, hehe. Anyways…. What you got in yo hand there? Is that a magic wand?”
News Guy- “No, it’s a microphone.”
Squirrel-Man Pete- “Oh Jesus! He one of the genies, run!!!”
News Guy- “This was Bryce Copperman, on the scene. QUIF News 5.”

In the pre-Youtube era, having a weird interview was only viewed by a few thousand people. And half of them were either drunk or called in sick from work. Let’s be honest, if you’re watching the afternoon local news, you’re either unemployed and plastered or so infirmed with a fever that you think you are hallucinating. But now, everybody owns a DVR and can post the videos online. What used to be a few thousand people, at most, who only half-listened to your broadcast has turned into an entire country laughing at you. Now Squirrel-Man Pete is a viral sensation, and I don’t mean because of his Chlamydia and Gonorrhea. Meanwhile, you’re just the dumbass that thought it was a good idea to bring him in front of a camera.
News fails are one of my favorite videos to watch on the web; the way all of you trained professionals crumble at the slightest hint of something going awry. I find it both incredibly uncomfortable and strangely satisfying when you guys fail on live TV. Uncomfortable because I am an empathizer and I could not imagine the immense shame and embarrassment you must feel when you sneeze and diarrhea your pants or accidently injure yourself when trying to goof off for the camera. I also feel very satisfied because you kind of asked for it. You chose a profession where you’re in front of the camera every day because it fulfills your narcissistic need to be the center of attention. You say you do it because you want to make an impact on society and affect people’s lives, but really you just want to be recognized and increase the chances of finding a girl who will let you dress up in assless lederhosen and get weird with ping pong balls. News bloopers are fourth on my watch list just behind twerk videos, breast examination tutorials, and anything with Scarlet Johanssen. I mean, I will need something to watch in my refractory period…..
I’m sorry to all of you good news people out there, because I know there are many. Having said that, you others on the news who choose to bring up half-witted imbeciles that try and formulate a sentence, piecing it together with “uh’s” and “er’s”, should really know what you’re getting into. I know you want to be original and late-breaking on your reporting but at what point is it just embarrassing? I am curious; do the people you pull in front of the camera even know why they’re there?
News Guy- “This is Bryce Copperman reporting live at the local Oktoberfest. We have Brian here, a local resident who is going to tell us about the annual festival of beer. How would you describe the celebration, Brian?”
Brian- “Uh yeah, thanks Bruce. I… errm… drank like 10… uhh… beers today and I haven’t… errrm… even made it through half the tents yet. Hey! Speaking of pitching tents, are you guys the channel with that hot weather chick, Candy or whatever? She’s stacked yo!”
News Guy- “Haha. I believe you’re referring to our extremely talented weatherperson Cindy LaFontaine. A true professional in her field. Now back to the Fest….”
Brian- “Oh yeah, Cindy. Dude! I feel a high pressure system in my pants when I see her southern coast. Know what I mean, dawg?”
News Guy- “Back to you at the studio….”
I don’t want to tell you or anyone how to report the news; I just wanted to point out some things that could potentially get you into trouble. For the sake of your station, try to limit the insane people to a minimum. But for the sake of comedy, please keep up the great work!

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