Rant of the Day: Rubbing Pregnant Bellies

To the person who rubs pregnant women’s bellies without asking,
I will begin by saying I am very happy to have been born a male. I will never have to experience the pain and discomfort that is pregnancy and childbirth. I couldn’t imagine the agony mothers go through during childbirth. I’ve been hit in the Trifecta (That’s what I call my unit) a few times and that made me re-evaluate my commitment to the sport. All the while, you women who have babies are quite literally shoving a human out of your body. And all because another human shoved himself into you a few months before. Aahh, when portrayed like that, it really depicts the beauty of childbearing eloquently. I believe it was the great poet James Joyce who said, “Into your life is where a newborn joins, Whenever a man is allowed betwixt your loins.” I think he really understood the majesty that is baby-makin’.

Although I consider myself lucky that I don’t have to poop a baby out of my Hoo-Haa, I also envy you ladies. For you get the intimacy of carrying and nurturing a child for 9 months. It’s really a special bond you have. You actually get to form a human being inside of your body. Truly amazing stuff….. But then again, I get to binge drink while you’re my DD for 9 months so….. #Winning.

Having said that, I am addressing this to all you weirdoes out there that think it’s ok to walk up to a pregnant lady and just start rubbing her tummy. I did that once to a lady at the airport and was almost arrested. Apparently, according to “anatomy books” and “medical professionals”, a woman’s belly only runs from the middle of her abdomen to her upper rib cage and not from her thighs to neckline. Who knew? Either way, no one should think it is ok to start rubbing another person’s belly like a freaking Good Luck Troll. Just look at the woman’s face next time you are doing it. She’s not smiling at you with a look that says, “Yeah, keep going, I’m almost there!” She’s giving you a look that I assume women around Donald Trump give that says, “Take your hands off me you damn dirty ape!” (Trump and Charlton Heston reference in the same sentence. You’re welcome) Here are a few reasons why it is absolutely not ok to fondle a pregnant woman’s baby bump.

Number 1: A pregnant woman is probably already kind of self-conscious about her growing belly. Hell, I’m self-conscious of my belly after I eat a Chipotle burrito and I know I am getting rid of that food baby in a few hours, tops. (Do they have an epidural for that? The red sauce stings coming out!) There’s stretch marks forming and her belly button is sticking out further than Bill Clinton at a Whitehouse intern convention. It would be like pointing out Oprah’s pendulous arm fat then giving it a good jiggle as you coo at it. (We all know you love bread, Oprah, your batwings tell us that better than that annoying Jenny Craig commercial)

Number 2: There’s a baby in there, so stop trying to assault the child through a thin membrane of flesh and keep your hands to yourself. Imagine you’re just hanging out in a hammock, catching some Z’s. Life couldn’t be better, just you and a warm nest of comfort, then all of the sudden a giant, intrusive, loud-mouth with halitosis starts jiggling you around in your cocoon of solitude. You would be pretty upset too. The worst part is that after you finish molesting the woman and walking away, she’s stuck with an upset baby who is now kicking and rolling around in there. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a baby press its foot or hand out of a woman’s stomach, but it’s something that sticks with you. Like the first time you watched ‘Alien’ and that “Chestbuster” pops out of that dude’s torso. Chilling stuff…… I mean childbearing is wondrous!

Number 3: If you’ve ever spent any time with a pregnant woman, you will notice that they seem to fluctuate slightly in their moods and temperaments. When I say that, I mean they are clinically insane from their hormones. They could be crying one minute, laughing like an insane person the next, then see one picture of Channing Tatum and race home to “Take care of themselves”, whatever that means. (Same thing I do when I see a picture of Brad P….. errr Natalie Portman) Basically, there’s no telling of what a pregnant woman is capable. Do you want to be the person who was bludgeoned to death by a ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’ book at a Burger King? That would be how your family and friends will remember you; the guy/girl who just had to get handsy with pregnant Hannibal Lector.

Number 4: The moment I see everyone walking up to dudes with huge beer guts and rubbing them like a genie lamp is when I will consider this action normal and acceptable. You don’t see people walking up to a random semi-truck driver and asking him how far along he is as they caress his bulbous belly. No, because that is intrusive and kind of gross. (There’s not enough Purell in the world to remove the horrors that you just picked up on your hand from his mysterious fluid-covered gut) But in your logic, just because her gametes combined with someone else’s gametes and began forming a human, you find it completely acceptable to walk up and start stroking away at her midsection. If that logic is true, I have a couple “Baby Bumps” that you can caress where the other half of those gametes come from. (Wink)

In summation, I am not a woman (Whaaa?) but I am just trying to spread awareness for those pregnant women who no longer should be subjected to such inappropriate behavior just so some old hag can feel what it’s like to have a tight tummy again or some creeper can cop a feel. And ladies, if and when someone approaches with ill, belly fondling intent, I want you to have the strength to say “No!” For no one ever again should feel the clammy touch of injustice on their beautiful, round bellies.


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