Rant of the Day: Absurdity of Clothing

Close your eyes for a moment and imagine this……. Wait….. Don’t close your eyes because then you lose the ability to read. Hhmmm…. How about this; read this next statement then close your eyes afterwards….. But then how would you know when to open them?….. (C’mon Gio, you got this) Just close all your other windows that are open on your browser, even the one about the nude celebrities, it’s just spam anyways. You never actually get to see Jennifer Lawrence’s bosoms, they’re just trying to sell some supplement. Pheeww, that was an ordeal…. What were we doing??? Oh yeah! Imagine this for a moment:
You are lounging around, just as relaxed as can be. The comfort of your clothing against your skin is soothing and soft. You’re simply at home, hanging with some friends, not worried about who’s judging you or how you look. Now tell me, what are you wearing? Is it heels? Is it a tuxedo? Is it a pants suit? Probably not because those things don’t say comfort and relaxation. They say, “I really wish my balls had more wiggle room” and/or “My feet are killing me.” Basically what I’m saying is that it is a strange phenomenon the way clothes developed over the millennia, not for utility and comfort but for this strange thing we call style.

If you ask me, the ancients had it right; a couple cloths thrown over your “mommy/daddy parts” and a big, soft fur coat when it got cold. (PETA wasn’t around back then so it’s fine) Then we got to togas which, as any college student knows, are the most comfortable and best party attire. (Plus there’s always a chance a nip might pop out) After that it gets kind of hazy on the clothing. At some point in recent human history, people start thinking that it’s cool to wear the most uncomfortable clothes ever. I blame the French but that’s just me. When these fashions started coming out, people should have revolted against such wardrobe atrocities as the bustier, tailored suit, and underwear. The following are just a few item of clothing that I really do not understand why we still keep around.

The Necktie: Whether it be a bowtie, long tie, or those upside-down antennas that cowboys and Native Americans wear with turquois (YOLO tie or something), the necktie seems to be utterly useless. I’m not sure if back in the day there was a loose collar epidemic or everyone was just really paranoid that their heads might fall off if not securely fastened to their neck but at some point people started thinking neckties were a necessity. Was the inventor like, “What can I wear that not only serves no purpose but also makes me feel like I am in a loose headlock the entire time? Eureka the necktie!!!” Besides being useless, the necktie is also responsible for the most factory manager decapitations when it gets sucked into those spinning machines. But at least David Carradine put it to good use…. (Google it)

The Collared Shirt: You know, that material that awkwardly sits next to your neck all day, brushing up against your cheek every once in a while like the soft caress from an R&B singer in a music video. It almost reminds me of a botched circumcision around your neck that was then folded in half. What’s the point of that? I guess you could say that it is meant to keep the lower half of the sides and back of your neck moderately less exposed to the elements, so that’s something… If you ask me, I think the necktie guys are in cahoots with the collar guys.

Big Tie: “What are we going to put our ties over? It can’t be bare neck.”

Big Collar: “We have invented this new thing that we think is really going to take off. We call it ‘The Collar’, as in ‘Wow this collar is annoying!’ What do you think?”

Big Tie: “Seems kind of high up the neck…”

Big Collar: “Alright, then fold it over…”

The High Heel: Nothing makes me think of broken ankles more than the high heel. This is another of those times where I’m grateful I’m a dude and I only wear high heels 2 or 3 times a month, tops. (Makes my calves POP) Women, you choose to wear these bunion birthers to nearly every event and occasion. And for what? So that your legs look 3 inches longer? I know a lot of guys would disagree but I don’t base my mating habits off of the length of your legs. I base it off of deeper, more meaningful, character traits; like your butt and boobs….. Oh yeah and personality! Not only are high heels a danger for twisting an ankle, they also get stuck in sidewalk grates and cracks. Lastly, when Creeper Joe starts chasing you down a dark alley, do you want to be the floozy trying to shuffle away in your hooker shoes? Its pirate boot season anyway.

The Thong: Unlike many other articles, I’m all for this clothing item! Let those cheeks fly free, girl! I just wonder; with the advent of those thin, no show undies, is the thong really necessary? What girl was like, “I want to have on underwear but I also want to feel like I’m getting a constant wedgie.” Women always talk about guys’ “Skid Marks” in their undies but I could only imagine the Warshak Test that is a woman’s thong after a full day. (I see a sad butterfly in this thong) I think the thong was invented purely for sluts and strippers but it suddenly caught on when no woman wanted to be “the prude” of the group. Or maybe some dumb woman thought that the afore-mentioned cowboy’s Bolo Tie was meant to be worn up and around her ass. And if so; thank you, dumb woman, thank you.

Tuxedo Accessories: The tuxedo can be summed up by this question: How many people do you know that own a tuxedo? Other than James Bond and your dad’s sky blue wedding tuxedo, they’re mainly just rentals.

Pocket square huh? If you’re that worried that you might ‘toddler-sneeze’ (That’s when you sneeze and snot shoots out your nose, like a toddler) without a tissue ready, you probably shouldn’t be wearing a suit, or even be out at all. If your hanky is too far away from you in your pants pocket, you might have a sinus issue. You don’t look cool with a bright pink pocket square in your jacket; you look like a dork with uncontrollable nasal leakage.

Cufflinks? “Do those pesky shirt cuff buttons just keep coming undone? If so try something even harder to keep attached! You need Cufflinks! Sure, they cost a fortune and there is absolutely no chance you’ll have a complete set after one use, but cufflinks let you look the way you feel; douchey! From the people that brought you sock suspenders; Cufflinks! (By Mattel)”

Tuxedo pants? If you always feel like your balls have just too much room to breathe and you don’t feel like the ladies can quite make out the exact outline of your penis, tuxedo pants are right up your alley. And when I say up your alley, I mean splitting your sack right down the middle. Whoever got married the first time and demanded tuxedoes to be worn had to have been a eunuch. Do suit tailors universally fear that everyone’s pants are just going to slip right off because those slacks could make Mary Kate Olsen have a muffin-top!

All I’m saying is that I don’t believe in social status and professionalism merely based on the clothes I wear. If I want to wear sweatpants or comfy jeans, by God, I should be able to do so without a sideways glance. Because while you’re getting your testes removed from lack of blood flow or have toxic shock syndrome from your crack-intrusive thong, I will be reminiscing about how it feels like a Geisha is cradling my package with chinchilla gloves in these sweatshorts. Aaahhhh


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