As Jen and I get closer to having our own child, we begin to encounter the inevitable arguments between us about what we will name our future kid. And when I say arguments, I am talking about those knock-down, drag-out fights that some endure in a marriage where the man suggests something, she shoots it down, and then she comes up with something better that they both agree on. In her defense, all the names I come up with have something to do with Star Wars so… I mean how bad-ass would our kids be if he (Or she) was named Darth Mesa or Mesa-Windu. But I’m also open to family names like Jen Erso, Qui-Gon Jennifer, or C3-Gio. I’m very flexible.
After some months of having the best baby names EVER rejected by the one I love, I turned to a more modern tactic: Getting them from TV! It was there that I discovered the splendor that is prescription medicine commercials. Xeljanz could be the surname of a WWI era Serbian nationalist but it could also be a great modern era name for a kid! Imagine the possibilities. To my utter surprise Jen also refused any names I would see on these commercials as well! I feel like I don’t know who she is anymore…
After the initial shock and subsequent sobbing subsided over a few weeks, I began to wonder; why in the hell do drug companies give medications these names? In the real drug world, the world that Walter White and Tony “Scarface” Montana made popular, the drug names are always hip and cool like “Ice”, “Nose Candy”, and “Ecstasy”. I am in the belief that these sweet names expanded their popularities to the point that people were willing to smuggle them in their butts just to have them. I’ve never loved anything so much that I shoved it up my anus! (With the exception of my college years but that’s for another story)
I really believe Pfizer and Bayer should’ve followed this business model with the legal drug business. Not just so that the common man could remember what the hell that drug was meant for but also so that they quit taking all the cool names for kids. (Lipitor- The indomitable!!!) Instead, these mega-corporations with some of the smartest minds in marketing chose to give them these unpronounceable and nonsensical monikers like Levothyroxine. Is this a prescription drug or a reptile from the cretaceous period? You decide. Here are just a few of the drug names that could’ve been changed:
Cialis- This is an obvious one but “Boner-topia” comes to mind. Even something more classical like “Tumescence” could be used. Instead you named it something that sounds like an old man admonishing his old wife: “See Alice? I told you we parked here! See?”
Lyrica- Model it off of the Johnson and Johnson tag line and call it “No More Seizures” or even “Nope-ilepsy”. Instead they went with a stripper name, a good stripper name, but a stripper name nonetheless.
Herceptin- This breast cancer treatment should’ve been called “Teet Treat” or “Boobilify” but they went with something that sounds like an STD or someone referencing an erogenous zone: “Dude, she totally let me touch Herceptin last night!”
Latuda- This Bipolar drug could have a catchy name like “Bi, Bi, Polar” or “Cheer-up Chews” but they chose what should be a Spanish word for “Her Booty” (La Tuda?…… Sorry, they’re not all gems)
Seminoma- Ah yes, the testicular cancer drug that sounds like a guy with only a partial erection: “The Cialis isn’t working, Honey, I only have a Seminoma.” They really could’ve reached a demographic with a name like “Dick-Sack Tic-Tac”. Mmmm, tastes like a cure!
Bystolic- This blood pressure/hypertension drug that sounds like someone struggling with their sexuality could’ve really gone another way with the rock band Queen vibe and called it “Under Pressure” or something more simple like “Heart Start”
Namzaric- Once again one of those plays on words: “Namz-aric, but you can call me A.” It doesn’t really identify what the drug is all about. But I think this Alzheimer’s drug could do a lot better with a name like “Forget-me-not” or “You-Who?”
Jublia!- For a toe fungus med, this one is a bit over the top. It’s almost as if an Austrian should be yelling it in celebration after they discovered a new planet. Maybe the drug company could’ve toned it down and just called it “Rot Not” or “Fung-Us? Fung You!”
Along with the above-mentioned Lyrica, drug companies have come up with some great stripper names over the years! None I would ever name MY daughter but I’m sure there are a few dead-beat dads out there that would give these to their offspring. I can hear the strip club DJ now:
“Trulicity is scientifically proven to lower your blood sugar but she’s oh so sweet up on stage 2!”
“Kybella may reduce the fat under your chin but they ain’t said nothing about the fat in dat ass!”
“Chantix has been known to reduce smoking but she’s lighting up over on stage 3, fellas!”
I must commend the people that came up with a few of these though. They hit the nail on the head with Celebrex, which is an arthritis treatment, so you can celebrate without pain as you flex. Cheesy but effective. Flomax is another one where they were spot-on. If you’re having trouble peeing and only a trickle is coming out, they take your urine flow to the max with Flomax. (Yes, that’s the real use) Lastly, I couldn’t have thought of a better name for an actual contraceptive called Yaz. I can only think of some promiscuous college girls talking about their conquests from the night before:
Girl 1: “Did you and Jake hook up at the party?”
Girl 2: “Yaz bitch! But don’t worry, we used a condom.”
These are just a few critiques and suggestions I would have for drug companies. Please feel free to ignore my advice but if you want your meds to fly off the counter and into people’s butts for smuggling, consider some of these propositions.