Rant of the Day: Commuting

​There’s definitely a love/hate relationship with commuting back and forth to work daily. I hate having to deal with other human beings on the road but I love those sweet little gems that we come upon every now and again en route. The ones where you’re not necessarily involved but you get to really see how humankind can be. Humankind: A funny word when you consider how unkind humanity can actually be. As many of you know, driving to work is not something I would wish on anyone but, much like working in the service industry, I believe everyone should at least experience it in their lives.

Some people get so angry and animated while driving. Do you think we would all act like this if we weren’t in cars? Was this an issue before the automobile? Could you imagine a scenario 200 years ago where Native American Yelling-Hag would have an emotional breakdown after Fails-To-Signal cut her off with his paint pony? Or where Vindictive-To-A-Fault follows Switching-Lanes back to his teepee and slashes his horse’s hooves? Yeah, me neither.

Maybe it’s the fact that we have the ability to commit vehicular manslaughter when in our automobiles that emboldens many to act that way. The idea that “I could murder you right now and just blame it on faulty vehicle equipment” seems to encourage this behavior. You don’t see someone start cussing like a sailor and threatening to kill another if they step in front of them at the grocery store checkout. Well, you might but those people are called sociopaths. Only in a car have I shouted out loud that I would murder someone, their wife, and small children. (In my defense, he almost hit me without signaling) Could you imagine a person acting like that at the doctor’s office after someone else took the last Sports Illustrated from the waiting room table? Somebody would be getting a Zoloft prescription there.

Some people don’t have any introspection on the roads. The other day I saw a dude towing a large trailer pull out right in front of a few cars and switch over to the far lane, causing the entire street to have to slam on their brakes. Only one car gave a brief “Toot-toot” on their horn to alert them that other humans existed on the road. This trailer-toting trash-bag had the audacity to fire back a long horn beep at the car, roll the window down, yell out “F**K you!”, and then flip the bird to the world. Of course he was driving a raised pickup truck that just yells out “I have a micro-penis!” But I wonder, other than being angry about having a small dick, who raised them to be like this?

I lump these people that get mad at others when they are in the wrong in the same category as the super-religious, conservative guy who openly opposes gay rights but has secretly been tapping his foot in public bathrooms and carrying on a secret affair with a lady-boy. They lack the ability to look at themselves objectively and realize they are hypocrites.

Some people are just plain unlucky on the roads. These poor saps are the ones who somehow pick up a nail in their tire despite the fact that 2000 other cars have driven over the same exact spot that day. They’re the ones who are pulled over by a cop even though they were in the slow lane and had just been passed by a sports car half a mile back. If you have a driver’s license, you’ve been one of these people.

Years ago, I was driving down a street with woods on both sides when suddenly I saw a brown blur waddle in front of my car. I didn’t have enough time to stop but I swerved and managed to clip this small dog-sized animal with my left corner. It hit hard enough that it cracked the driver’s side corner of my bumper, causing considerable damage. Not only had my car been damaged, but also my soul. The animal I killed was a beaver. The only beaver I had ever seen outside of the zoo or taxidermied at Bass Pro. It still haunts my dreams when I think about that suicidal Punxsutawney Phil looking up at me with those black doe-eyes just before I flattened his already-flat tail some more….

If you ever see someone smiling or laughing while driving a car near a major city, do not, I repeat, do not get near them. No one enjoys traffic so one of two scenarios is occurring: They have either just committed murder with their motor vehicle and are relishing in their blood-lust or have completely lost it and are about to kill someone with their automobile. But there is one positive impact from driving, it develops grit; grit that allows you to live in a harsh world where everyone wants to kill you over the smallest inconvenience in their commute. Because without grit you are something far worse than a homicidal driver; you’re a millennial.


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